I could have been watching the Celtics play tonight, albeit minus Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett. I could have been watching Felix Hernandez blow people away with incredibly nasty stuff during the opening day of the baseball season. Instead, I am here in my basement, watching the “prom night” episode of Dancing With The Stars. Remarkably, thinking of my own prom night conjures up memories of me doing pretty much exactly the same thing as I am tonight, although there was definitely less dancing and more Playstation 2 playing involved. Did I mention I was/am a huge loser? Sorry, I guess I thought that conclusion should be implied, given the title of this blog. Anyway…I think it is time for the beautiful people to start dancing now. Want to read about it?
I will review the contestants in the order of their scores from last week, best to worst, with ties defaulting to alphabetical order by last name. I will also include, once again, my own meaningless rankings at the bottom. Enjoy!
DISCLAIMER: Again, I know nothing about dancing, nor could I ever perform any of the dances I am about to critique. If you came here looking for a serious, insightful breakdown of the dances on the show, I apologize in advance.
Zendaya Coleman and Valentin Chmerkovskiy –
I actually did a bit of research on Zendaya, (well, enough to find out what Disney Channel show she is on) and Shake It Up, the show she stars in, seems to be full of dancing too. Again, this equates in my mind to a huge, possibly unfair advantage, but I honestly don’t care much, as it only serves to enhance the general quality of the dancing on DWTS. That said, the Viennese waltz she and Valentin danced didn’t really seem to be her style. Yes, it was graceful, chock full of twirling, and extremely smooth, but it lacked the explosiveness that she brought so well to her earlier dances. Maybe showing a different side of your dancing skill is important; I really wouldn’t know.
Judge Score: 24/30
Kellie Pickler and Derek Hough –
This felt like the dance that Zendaya should have done, but I can’t complain, as Kellie pulled off her jive with Derek about as well as anyone could hope for. I have no doubt that if I attempted the long slide down a ramp onto the dance floor that Derek did to begin the routine, I would have fallen awkwardly and broken my nose and/or neck, which would likely have ruined the evening for me. As it was, the slide was impressive, the dance was, in Bruno’s words, “sharper than a samurai sword”, and Kellie flew about the dance floor, “like a wasp at a picnic” according to Len. Personally, I hate wasps (and no one ever invites me to their picnics) but I can see what the two judges were getting at all the same.
Judge Score: 25/30
Alexandra Raisman and Mark Ballas —
Since I don’t know any better, I have made an executive decision, and will be going with Alexandra when I refer to the lovely Ms. Raisman. Why? Because that is what the disembodied voice on the show goes with, and I like that disembodied voice. As far as the dance went, Alexandra and Mark put together a lovely waltz that I thought was just as good as Zendaya’s, a feat I would give the pair bonus points for, seeing as they performed first. Len also pulled off a pretty good April Fool’s Day joke, starting off as if he didn’t like the routine (always believable from Len) before revealing his deception. I’m not saying that I would want someone like him critiquing the quality of my work, but at least I know he has a sense of humor now.
Judge Score: 23/30
Jacoby Jones and Karina Smirnoff —
This dance was so far removed from the earlier things Jacoby had been doing that it struck me as odd at first, but after a while, I began to notice that it was, in fact, quite elegant. There were a number of pairs dancing much slower dances for this show, and Jacoby’s rumba was of the same mold. I’m still a fan of the flashy touchdown dance moves that he usually brings to the table, but I can see the appeal of a slower dance as well…maybe. He had his shirt off too, which probably pissed off Sean Lowe, since that is his thing, so I’ll give Jacoby a bonus for that.
Judge Score: 24/30
Andy Dick and Sharna Burgess –
Another episode of DWTS, another training video of Andy crying about how he can’t dance. Well Andy, it is true that you can’t dance, but neither can I, and I only cry when I stub my toe or bite my tongue or suffer some other manly type of injury. In short: suck it up. No one cares how hard dancing is for you; everyone else on the show is “suffering” through the same thing. The people back home are “suffering” through your dances, none of which have been very good. This most recent cha-cha-cha was no exception, as Sharna did most of the dancing while Andy sort of shambled along behind her, looking gangly. I echo Len’s sentiment that Andy is, “like a sneeze: you know it’s coming, but there is nothing you can do about it”. I would turn off my TV if I could, but I have to write this damn thing.
Judge Score: 18/30
Sean Lowe and Peta Murgatroyd –
For whatever reason, Sean and Peta chose to dance to “YMCA” by The Village People, and Sean decided that he would dress as the construction worker. According to him, it was the most “manly” option…I would say the most manly option would involve pretty much any other song, but I guess that is water under the bridge at this point. Also, Sean and Peta also got some extra backup dancers for this performance, (dressed as the other members of the band) which seems to be stretching the rules a bit. Still, it gives me an arbitrary reason to dock him some points, so I’ll take it. Oh, you want to know how he danced? Eh, it was stiff (as usual), not quite in synch (as usual), and made Bruno want to take Sean home (as usual). Par for the course.
Judge Score: 21/30
Ingo Rademacher and Kym Johnson –
Insofar as Ingo and Kym were the only couple to dance the “pasodoble”, (a lively Spanish dance modeled after the sound, drama, and movement of a bullfight, according to Wikipedia) this was an intriguing dance. Other than that, I didn’t notice much, except that the expression on Ingo’s face made it look like he wanted to rip Kym’s head off throughout most of the dance. I suppose that fits with the whole bull vs. bullfighter motif, but there is such a thing as taking an idea too far. Perhaps Ingo was just overacting, something I’m sure was a staple of his appearances on General Hospital.
Judge Score: 21/30
Wynonna Judd and Tony Dovolani –
As I have said before, I’m just not that big a fan of Wynonna as a dancer. She simply cannot do the things most of the other contestants can do. All her dances have been slow pretty much out of necessity, and her samba this episode was as dull and plodding as all of her other dances. In fact, she seemed even more stiff and lifeless than usual during this performance. I also feel she and Tony made a poor design choice in going with a stripper pole as a prop to start the whole thing off. Tony did an acrobatic swing around it, but it just served to further illustrate the flexibility and athleticism Wynonna sorely lacks. Let me use another Len metaphor to sum it up: “Like Mt. Rushmore, you look magnificent, (eh…matter of taste I guess) but you don’t move”. Sad, but true.
Judge Score: 15/30
Victor Ortiz and Lindsay Arnold –
I should probably have known this, since contemporary was a style that has been used before on the show, but Victor and Lindsay choose exactly the right approach for this week. The whole “dance” was just Victor carrying Lindsay around the stage in different ways. Don’t get me wrong, it was an impressive feat of strength from Victor, but I was under the impression that a style of dance would involve more…dancing. If I want to watch physically imposing men carrying things around (I never will want to do this, of course, but still…), I’ll watch those crazy “world’s strongest man” competitions shown on ESPN during times when nothing else is on, where huge dudes from Scandinavian countries compete to see who can carry 300 pounds worth of monster truck tires the farthest. Seriously guys, buy a pickup truck or something; even with the cost of gas, it’s way more efficient, trust me.
Judge Score: 23/30
Lisa Vanderpump and Gleb Savchenko –
Lisa and Gleb performed another Viennese waltz, and they did a reasonably good job. The problem, of course, lies in the fact that the other two pairs to dance the same style easily did a far better job. You could tell the style was the same, but the twirling spins were slower and less prevalent. It was like watching two gymnastics routines where the event is the same, but the overall level of difficulty of one is a few notches higher than the other. Even if both routines are executed with equal precision, the harder one will always be more impressive. Plus, it doesn’t help when the other two stars performing in the same fashion as you are Alexandra Raisman and Kellie Pickler, who are both pretty awesome at dancing.
Judges Score: 21/30
D.L. Hughley and Cheryl Burke –
I really am very disappointed that I still have to keep writing about D.L. Hughley. Based on the fact that he wasn’t even in the bottom two pairs last week, (even when he was by far the worst dancer) it seems likely that a more deserving star could be sent home before him come Tuesday night. If it is Andy or Wynonna, I won’t really care too much, but if he lasts any longer than that…D.L.’s most recent effort, a salsa danced to James Brown’s iconic “Sex Machine” on top of a small raised stage (as if dancing on the normal sized stage wasn’t already hard enough for D.L.) was pretty terrible. Same old stiffness, same old lack of anything resembling flexibility, same old bad jokes. This week, in response to a query about why he has trouble moving his hips, D.L. said something along the lines of, “usually when I move my hips, I end up with a baby, so moving my hips just makes me think about more child support payments.” You’re all class, D.L.
Judge Score: 16/30
Intern Paul’s Weekly DWTS Rankings (Not Cumulative, Single Week Only):
1. Kellie and Derek (Great choreography, great choice of dance, my boss is a big Kellie Pickler fan…)
2. Alexandra and Mark (Graceful, she moves so fluidly, almost like she is a gymnast or something)
3. Zendaya and Valentin (Basically as good as Alexandra; 2 and 2a)
4. Jacoby and Karina (Different for them, but it grew on me; taking shirtless from Sean is a bonus)
5. Ingo and Kym (Rage filled face aside, I still think Ingo moves very well for his size)
6. Victor and Lindsay (The whole carrying people around thing is impressive…just not dancing)
7. Sean and Peta (Loses points for using extra people…yes, I’m biased against Sean, I can’t help it)
8. Lisa and Gleb (Not bad, but worst of the three Viennese waltzes)
9. Andy and Sharna (Sharna really did all the work, Andy needs to stop crying…again)
10. Wynonna and Tony (Slow and boring for the third time; I’m noticing a trend developing)
11. D.L. and Cheryl (The fact that he will likely survive yet another elimination makes me die a bit inside)
12. Dorothy and Tristan (Eliminated — Withdrawn due to injury)
That’s all she (well, I) wrote for, “The View From Paul’s Basement” this time! I’ll be back with a quick word after Tuesday’s results show reveals the inevitable survival of D.L. Hughley and his dance “skills”.
